Too much a show-off to be an introvert, too shameful to be an extrovert.
372 miligrams of tar and 26.2 miligrams of nicotine a day might cause health problems, but it helps. malicious yet delicious, like junk food.
It was twenty years ago, exactly seven thousand three hundred and fifty two days ago, one human being was born. One particular human being who was good enough to live a life, but too vulnerable being alive now. I am sure there’s been nothing wrong with my process of growing up or the society I lived in. But lately, I ask myself very very often, “who am I? what do I do? what should I be? how should I be?”. People say the ones who know about them is themselves. Fuck it. I don’t even know what kind of person myself. You people are more capable of judging as I am what you judge.
I have taken some sort of personality tests, like telling whether you are introvert or extrovert, feeling or thinking type, and else. Even with it, I am really not sure what I am exactly. Says I was introvert, but no. But extrovert… I am not really sure either. Or intuitive or observant, or thinking or feeling, or judging or perceiving. I am too much a show-off to be an introvert, too insecure in front of people to be extrovert.
I don’t really like reading books. I don’t really like watching movies. I don’t really like listening to music I listen to now. I don’t like painting. I don’t like writing. Fuck writing, I have barely enough vocabularies to write. And I’m not really into science and logic things. Mathematics, physics, chemistry. Fuck them. I am too stupid to be an introvert.
Either way, I don’t like talking to people. People don’t really like me much. I can’t talk in front of many people. I find it difficult to introduce myself to new people. I don’t have many friends. I am the stranger in a society. Too absurd to talk to. I am not friendly. People avoid to contact with me ‘cause I have irritating attitude and intimidating face. Too antisocial to be an extrovert.
Fuck this introvert extrovert things. I don’t know and I don’t wanna know anymore.
And my life… my life is very not productive. Wanna know what do I do every day? Heh. Sit in front of my laptop. Waste time. Do nothing necessary. Smoke too much. Drink sachet coffee. Procrastinate. Think the same thing over and over, without any good output. Mess my room and never get it clean and tidy. Forget promises. Disappoint people. Get people into trouble. Break heart. Break people. Run away. Very unprofessional and useless. Never any benefit and advantages. Too coward to live such a life.
I cannot be honest to myself. I always lie to everyone, to myself. I don’t know what is right or wrong. People ever talk with me such great things… heh. I can only hope they as quick as possible realize that those are bullshit. Never really into those ideas we discuss in our quality time, if you say so. What I always think is negative. Fuck positivity. And future… I don’t know what I will be. Future waste of society, probably.
Some people might have admired me of something… heh. I can only hope that those people stop doing that, and start judge me as a negativity source, because I always believe you people’s judgements.
What would you say about the picture? What would you say about the liquid inside the glass? Would you say that the liquid is ordinary mineral water? How would you say that it is ordinary mineral water? How many percent are you sure that it is ordinary mineral water without drinking it? Isn’t there any possibility that the liquid is not ordinary mineral water? You just probably say that it is definitely ordinary mineral water because you’ve probably seen liquid with that kind of form is what only mineral water has the look, don’t you? How would you know it’s not mineral water? How would you know that it is not this liquid?
FYI, that liquid does contain at least 40% alcohol and other kind of chemicals, and it is as pure as how mineral water looks like. How would you know that it is mineral water instead of that other liquid? Let’s say, there will be two choices, either you: ask people who have tried drinking it or you try it yourself.
For the first choice:
1. how would you know the people you ask is perfectly answering honestly?,
2. how much do you intend to know and ask about this?,
3. do you really wanna know?
For the second choice:
1. are you ready enough for the worst possibility of trying?,
2. if you do, how would you know the taste and understand the feeling?
Too many questions? Then, you people will probably be just taking a shortcut. Let’s just say that you say it is ordinary mineral water. Isn’t it too much kind of gambling? How if we were wrong? What worst mistakes would we make?
I think it’s called judging. Yes, one of your favourite hobby, innit? You may think that it is no problem for you and for anyone. But, I’ve got a question: is it? Good luck thinking about it.
And last but not least… WHY would you even care?
For a minute it gets easier to pretend that you were just some lover – Preview it on Path.
Into the Wild by Jon Krakuer (via helloufa)
Dee - Surat yang Tak Pernah Sampai (2001)
Hehe. You’re desperate? On holiday? Dealing your current life with… what? Text-picture spread on the internet? The quotes? Phrases? Ironies? Sarcasms? Anonymously asking and counseling in freaking anonymous-based site? Tweeting? Updating? Blocking? Isolating? Insinuating? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! Love will find a way my ass.